I opened my eyes completely disillusioned and looked into the darkness; I was awake as could be. Ugh! Why couldn’t I sleep?
I got up, looked at my husband sleeping peacefully with some envy, grabbed his dressing gown from the back of the door and slipped my arms through the sleeves. Yep, it was official; sleep wasn’t going to come to me, certainly not now anyway. The clock displayed 11:30pm and I padded downstairs to watch some television.
The last four nights have been relentless. I’ve switched between the sofa in the living room, the pull out couch in my work space and my own bed just to see if a different environment will allow me to drift off. I’ve wanted to scream with frustration! Eventually, I’ve drifted off to the land of nod but not in my normal peaceful way, it’s been a little more restless. I have woken up feeling somewhat drained and not as refreshed as normal.
After two hour long episodes of my current favorite TV series, I was still alert as could be. Just what was the problem?
I tried to settle down on the sofa. Suddenly my eyes opened, of course! How absolutely stupid and careless of me, but that had to be it. With the complicated process of withdrawing off Depakote and slowly increasing the Lamotrigine with the intent that my body wouldn’t notice what I’m doing, I had completely forgotten to take my third med, Onfi at night. I even fill a daily tablet dispenser but still, I have a brain like a sieve. How could I have gone five days without noticing that I wasn’t taking something so essential to my wellbeing?
I have never been on three medications before and alongside the nine vitamins which I take, plus the Buspirone in the box which I refuse to take as I don’t believe it’s necessary (much to the puzzlement of my doctor, but I’m listening to my instinct and it’s proving right), it must have slipped through the net.
By this time it was 2:45am and there I was in the kitchen with a sharp knife cutting up the Onfi to create my dosage which I gratefully took.
I silently walked upstairs, stealthily opened the door and picked up my pillow and phone. Aware that it wouldn’t be in my blood stream for a while, I needed a source to calm my whirling head full of thoughts, pounding heart, sudden shots of anxiety and subsequent adrenaline rush; therefore, I reverted back to my childhood habit. I inserted my earphones, brought up Spotify and chose my music of the moment and channeled all my mental and physical sensations into the voice of Jarvis Cocker. Perhaps not the most relaxing of music but somehow it constantly enables me to connect to a place of peace in my soul.
As I lay down, I was overcome with a sadness that I don’t normally feel. Whilst I have plenty of support and love, ultimately I have to deal with this alone. I don’t have control over my body and it will respond in the only way it knows how.
Nighttime is always the most fearful time for dealing epilepsy related issues.
I think I was too exhausted physically and mentally to maintain positivity at that stage, it happens, but I know I must embrace it as “This too shall pass.”
As I thought about the previous four nights, it made sense. The night terror on Tuesday night where I dreamt my husband drowned in a tsunami which upon waking had me sitting bolt upright with a deep gasp of fear and my heart racing, was in fact a seizure which I hadn’t clocked at the time. I only acknowledged that I hadn’t had a night terror for months. Those seizures had stopped since taking the Onfi.
The leg twitching which had been present the night before whilst I had clocked it and thought it strange, still hadn’t enabled me to connect it to a lack of Onfi in my system.
It may also explain the fact I’m forever seeing things out of the corners of my eyes that aren’t there. It was a blessing that there wasn’t a more serious reaction.
This mishap with the Onfi follows my bad organization of not ordering enough of the vitamins which I am deficient in. With the expenditure for the wedding I thought I’d wait till the end of the month to buy them and so I was without them for three weeks. In those weeks the absence clusters were ridiculous. I was having so many and if you follow my blog you’ll be familiar with the documentation of them in my Quote of the Day, if not, conversing and interacting with people are near impossible to do. I’m good at pulling the wool over people’s eyes with them and they go unnoticed but the length and severity at that time was just too much for me to be able to cover up.
Whilst unintentional, this was a good test on both the vitamin and Onfi front just to appreciate exactly what their purpose is and how vital they are to my health. I would not recommend doing this deliberately, but in this circumstance I am now very much aware.
The next step is to hope that my bed doesn’t, as it did as a child, become a place of fear where I dread going because I know I’m not going to be able to sleep. So here goes, fingers crossed!