The Fear of Suffering & its Unpredictability


Well, today’s writing location is from a train.  Although it’s a simple change I can’t help but be a little bit excited as this is a novelty.  I love to write as I travel.  With a suitcase (or two) by my side and my laptop in my bag, if it was down to me I’d have it this way all the time.  Observing and recording human interaction generates ideas and so many thoughts and questions.  The first leg of the journey allowed me contemplation as I was slowly losing the will to live attempting to read my book.

So, the writing.  There are so many things I want to voice but just don’t know where to start.  To cover them all would create the most disjointed piece of written literature known to man.  Although I say literature, could it be? I certainly don’t compare my mere alphabetical doodling’s with the mighty Shakespeare or do I? Have I got potential?!

A plethora of thoughts have all been swirling through my mind like a tornado.  My mind hasn’t crescendo’d to this stage for many, many months.  It swings between sadness and fear and joy.  As an aside, I really like the word joy.  It feels like a genuine deep rooted emotion whereas happiness feels like it could play games. In some situations happiness is appropriate as its meaning is very fitting.  For occasions when it is used to express joy it can appear like something it is not.  It has connotations with its fellow potential companions ‘fleeting’ or even ‘fickle’.  My subject matter/focus is on life, its trials and its tribulations by questioning rather than associating with negativity.  It brings together the realities of life that are not always joyful.  However, it offers life lessons.  We will undertake and transport these with us to the next page of our book of life, even if we don’t understand the ‘why’s’.

The last couple of weeks have been filled with an influx of information of friends and acquaintances who are suffering.  They are going through experiences they ideally wouldn’t have to.  As I read this back to edit, I originally used the word ‘shouldn’t’ twice.  Upon rereading I wasn’t so sure that that was the right word.  Denial was a word that popped into my head and I am ruminating on that one. I wonder whether to an extent, not only for me but for others, it may be too overwhelming a thought to comprehend.  Understandably so and therefore it just ‘shouldn’t’ happen.   Even though I’m a very positive person, (and I continue to plug that!) believing that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘when it’s your time it’s your time’, are phrases so challenging to instigate in these situations.

I am aware of a genuine sadness for which sorrow and pity are of no benefit.  Empathy and compassion are required.  In these circumstances I send healing energy to those directly and indirectly affected hoping to help in the only way I can when not close by.

On a completely different note and in addition, there has been a fear that I haven’t felt for many years, probably since I was ten or eleven.  A fear that is so vivid it grips me with its gnarled icy fingers.

I mentioned my AED change (surprising as memory is one of the elements that is becoming more and more problematic) and with that it has brought a number of unexpected side effects.  I have been decreasing and increasing different drugs of varying amounts which are not exact to my previous dosage.  My body was more than happy to function prior to the change and since, it has caused nothing but chaos.  It’s like my brain’s electrical impulses are deeply confused shooting electricity all over the place as if it were trying to perform a laser show.  It has taken a particular fancy to my eyes.  It offers me free sea legs and what feels like a hangover without the alcohol content because after all, there’s nothing quite like waking up to with the room spinning.

Sea legs

It is the unpredictability and lack of control which create the fear.  It has been a useful tool as it has brought home the severity of epilepsy and the vulnerability which many endure on a day to day basis.  For me, all I can do is take one step at a time and roll with the punches.  I make sure I keep upbeat and send out vibes of ‘I am not going to have a seizure’.  With speech, memory and increased tremors I know that this will be temporary.  I am putting that right out there into the ether.

Do you know the part that upsets me most?  I can’t knit anymore but as with everything, ‘This Too Shall Pass’.


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