This week I begin anew, a fresh with none of the days tainted by prior events. It is simply a blank canvas. Some elements may carry over but they will be innovative in their content and will ultimately bring me to a place of peace and good health. I watch as the last seven days are transported into the distance, I wish for the rollercoaster of emotions to follow as its traveling companion.
I originally thought that I rattled with my two AED’s alongside the vitamins in my system, I was proved quite wrong. With a current plethora of antibiotics and painkillers differing in brands and levels of strength, I’m at the stage where I could probably run my own internal pharmacy.
Over the last nine weeks I have attended doctors and hospitals like it’s going out of fashion. It’s never a good thing when you call the doctor to make an appointment and they ask, “Is that Freya?” A sense of wanting to sink through the floor with embarrassment instantly washes over me. Despite this, I do cling to the hope that it is due to my English accent rather than the fact I’ve been calling on a regular basis!
Aside from the other hospital visits related to the epilepsy, I have shaken up the conventional ‘pub crawl’ and added my own spin on it adapting it to a hospital crawl. I have probably broken all records by frequenting the most hospitals in Seattle. I’m sure you’ll admit this isn’t bad given that I’ve only been living here seven months!
It is also over the last week that I have really considered the concept of mortality. How life is lived and the notion that we assume we are exempt from ill health. We tend not to contemplate this until a friend or family member passes or we ourselves are diagnosed with a serious illness. It is then that we sit back, take stock of our lives and appreciate just how fragile life is.
With this belief of invincibility, we act in such a way that it takes advantage of our bodies. In its complexity, it both manages and rectifies the harm we impose upon it. I sadly took advantage of my body and looking back it’s amazing that it was able to cope with the damage I inflicted on it. Being on the AED I was, I soon learned that it allowed me to drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney and get very little sleep without any repercussions other than maybe a few more absences but I figured that was a drop in the ocean.
At that point I was running away from problems I wasn’t ready to deal with. Starving my body of food in order to punish it and binging two weeks later from pure hunger still saw it functioning in the scrupulous way it always had. In hindsight, I am extremely lucky that my body didn’t rebel causing significant health problems. In many instances, it is only as time goes by that the payback slowly begins to happen. When the body isn’t as competent as it once was the consequences become visible. As we become older we are given the opportunity to acquire the wisdom and awareness to change our ways. The respect and care we have for our bodies is exhibited through the decisions we make. As they say, ‘Your body is a temple’; however, many continue to miss this fact pushing their body and abilities to its limits.
Having been in pain for a while now, it was last week that I had a lucky escape. With a potentially grim prognosis it made me reflect on how I live life and the changes I would make if life altered dramatically. After a hospital appointment, I walked down the hill in the sunshine thinking about the possibilities. When I thought of things I should change I realized that actually I live life exactly the way that I believe it should be lived. With my awareness, positivity, gratitude and the desire to help others, I decided that I am an overall good person. My attitude towards my existence is something that I felt I wouldn’t need to change and I am proud of myself. We all make mistakes and aren’t perfect so I am in no way blowing my own trumpet but we all make choices reflected in our actions for the type of people that we want to be.
With a sense of calm and peace, I learned that whatever life throws at me I shall work through a step at a time. I will find my inner strength, grab hold of it with both hands and look for the silver lining in each situation. Everybody possesses this strength it’s just a matter of rooting around deep down to locate it.